It’s OK to not be OK.
That’s the slogan for the fantastic Post Natal Depression charity PANDAS. It’s also very true in its meaning.
I’m not feeling OK. Nothing to worry about, at all. Just a blip.
It’s been a bit of a tough week, you know those weeks when it’s one thing after another? Last year was a bit like that and I like to think I dealt with it all pretty well, however sometimes, for whatever reason, it might be that I’m tired or feeling a little stressed; things get on top of me a bit.
Cue the racing thoughts, feeling a little on edge and today feeling a bit emotional.
I’m not a crier, I’m not someone who cries at the drop of a hat (although sit me in front of The Notebook and I’ll bawl like a baby). I’m someone who can get stressed quite easily but I don’t often cry, as my best friend pointed out to me a couple of weeks ago.
I like my sleep. Especially in the winter, if I don’t get a minimum of 7-8 hours sleep then I can feel it the next day. Tired, withdrawn, slightly on edge are the symptoms I’ll often feel if I’ve had a poor nights sleep.
I woke up this morning feeling tired and feeling a little unwell with cold symptoms. It stood to reason that I was to get a cold as my son has had an awful one since early this week.
I often wake up in the morning and feel quite positive, looking forward to the day ahead, what will it bring etc. Which is something I really revel in because much of 2014 was spent feeling quite the opposite.
Today felt a struggle, the dark mornings don’t help, getting out of bed was difficult.
I made the mistake of getting on the scales for the 3rd morning in a row. I don’t know what I was hoping to see, there’s not much chance of me seeing a dramatic shift of the weight I’ve put on in recent weeks. In fact, the number that flashed back at me indicated I’d actually put more weight on since yesterday morning.
That got me down.
Silly really because I’m not big, far from it in fact, but I’m used to seeing the numbers go down not up and since November time, I’ve seen them steadily increase. I’m trying to be reasonably good with my diet and I’m trying to exercise on a daily basis but the scales aren’t having any of it. Neither are my clothes.
I then begin to wonder, what am I doing wrong? I used to be amazing at dieting and losing weight. Is it the coil I had fitted towards the end of last year (sorry if that’s too much information – especially to any men folk reading)…I’ve heard this can cause weight gain. That thought then increases my stress levels as I start to panic about having it removed and what could I use for permanent contraception then?
Before I know it I’ve spiralled a bit and I’m finding myself in an A-Hole (anxiety hole) that I’m struggling to remove myself from.
When I’m feeling alert and in a ‘good place’ it’s relatively easy for me to level with myself and climb out of the a-hole, but when I’m feeling tired and emotional, it doesn’t come quite as easy to me. I then begin to put pressure on myself to feel ‘OK’, telling myself that I’ve come too far to go down this road again. I find myself worrying that I’m heading for a fall, that feeling like this will be a permanent setback.
I had a chat with my mum this afternoon about how I was feeling, she’s always good to use as a sounding board.
Writing and talking are two extremely helpful tools in dealing with emotional and mental turmoil.
Instantly I felt better, a problem shared is indeed a problem halved.
This evening I’m feeling melancholy, that’s probably the best word to describe my current mood.
What will I wear tomorrow? Will it fit? I’m not even going anywhere remarkable but that’s the thought process I’m in.
If it’s my coil that’s causing weight gain, then how much weight can I expect to put on?
What if I wake up tomorrow morning and I feel tired and emotional again?
What if’s don’t help anyone, as I’ve told you previously, you can’t predict the future and you certainly can’t change the past.
I know I’ll be OK eventually, January is a shit month, pay day feels like it will never show its face, the weather is depressing and it can be difficult to find motivation. But January will pass and spring will soon arrive and bring with it the sunshine (hopefully) and the promise that summer is around the corner.
If you ever find yourself feeling a little like how I’ve described this evening, then just remember it’s OK to not feel OK, it happens to us all.
Be kind to yourself, have a chat with someone you trust and perhaps write your problems and frustrations out. They almost feel a little less significant when you’ve done that.