Am I right in thinking Arg is the only original cast member from the very first episode of TOWIE still standing?
Earlier this year, Jess Wright made the announcement that she wouldn’t be returning for Series 17. A shame for many of her fans, I’m sure, however I think this is the right decision. She didn’t have a huge amount going on in the show and there was only so many times the Pete storyline could be rehashed. It was all becoming a little bit lacklustre to say the least. Ah, Pirate Pete, I can’t tell you how happy I am to have him back on my TV screen.
Off the back of her I’m A Celebrity fame, Ferne McCann has also announced she’ll be taking a bit of a backseat. Disappointing, as I was just beginning to like her.
First and foremost, before my review of the Series 17 opener begins, I have a few questions I hope will be answered over the next few weeks.
Question 1. Will Lauren Goodger and Mario be returning? TOWIE fans may recall they made a ‘cameo’ appearance during the Christmas special and I don’t know about you, but I was rather pleased to see them back.
Question 2. Will Lewis Bloor revert back to his good guy ways? Being a bad guy just don’t suit him.
Question 3. Will Lydia manage an episode without banging on about how long her and Arg have been together? She’s steadily becoming the new Lauren Goodger “ME AND MARK HAVE BEEN TOGETHER FOR 10 YEARS”. 10 years you say? Really, you should’ve mentioned it more love.
Question 4. Will Lockie and Danni get back together? Do I even care? (Yes, I do a little bit if I’m honest, I loved them as a couple).
Question 5. Will I be able to understand a word Tommy Mallett says?
So, I’m hoping some of these questions will be answered for me, as we embark on the SEVENTEENTH series of The Only Way Is Essex. Seventeen mind, how the hell did that happen?
Gran Canaria. I’ve never been. The TOWIE lot do love a little excursion to sunnier climes during the winter months don’t they? Can’t say I blame them. I just hope we’re not treated to Bobby’s Balls in a Bag. I’ve just eaten you see.
Spare a thought for Debbie, Billie, Diags and Arg. They’ve all stayed in Essex in the cold and the wet. Nothing screams unglamorous more than filming on an industrial estate so that Diags can announce how much he loves plumbing. Whatever floats your boat eh?
Of course, it wouldn’t be right if a tribute wasn’t paid to Nanny Pat. The undoubtable TOWIE legend herself. She’ll be missed.
Back to Gran Canaria now and I’m over the moon to see Pete in just his shorts. He’s looking good and I wouldn’t expecting anything less from him. Sexiest TOWIE cast member ever? He’s got my vote.
A mere 10 minutes in and it looks like Question number 2 has been answered. Are your ears burning Lewis Bloor? Because they should be. Apparently, according to Jake, Lewis dropped a ‘bombshell’ that he kissed his girlfriend when he was 16. I’m not sure why this matters. Surely we all do foolish things at 16, I’m surprised Lewis can remember in all honesty.
I’d love to say I’m pleased to see “GC” return but I’m afraid that would be a lie of epic proportions. I had more than I could bear of her throughout January and February with her stint in CBB. Has the money dried up already love? Best get back to charging £10 for a selfie eh?!
Of course, it wouldn’t be a Gemma Collins scene she didn’t indulge in a spot of shit stirring would it? A memo to all customers of Gemma Collins “Boutique” – if you phone her shop and she tells you to call back in an hour, she’s more than likely bitching. Because that’s more important apparently.
Anyway, back to the shit stirring itself. Apparently, Lockie took a girl to Gemma’s party, behind Danni’s back. Now, correct me if I’m wrong, but they’re no longer together are they not? What’s this loyalty pack he’s supposed to have broken Billie? Pray tell.
Was I the only one cringing hard when Mike Hassini spent some time telling new girls Chloe and Courtney how much of a sort he is? I don’t think anyone could love you as much as you love yourself my dear.
Back in Essex, Lewis and his ex-Nicole have decided to meet up for a chinwag. TOWIE fans might remember how they fell out last series. To be honest, who didn’t Lewis fall out with last series?
I did laugh out loud when Bobby tried to talk Spanish with a potential suitor at a party. Adding an O to the end of every word didn’t really work, bless him. Bobby’s gaydar didn’t really work either as the bloke confessed he was straight. Poor Bobby, I don’t blame him for making a sharp exit.
** POTENTIAL CHEMISTRY WARNING**. Watch this space for a developing
showmance relationship between Lockie and newbie Courtney.
Can I make a suggestion that Tommy does something about the hard skin on the bottom of his feet? There’s plenty of tools out there to assist with this. Tommy, the voice of reason, had plenty to say on the Lewis Bloor saga while indulging in a massage. Unpopular Bloor he called him. Catchy.
I didn’t watch Love Island last summer. Bit of a shame really as I’ve heard it was quite the show, sounds like it was right up my street. Perhaps if I had watched it I’d be familiar with one of the new faces that have joined TOWIE. Brothers Jon and Chris. Jon is of Love Island ‘fame’ you see.
Ferne made a brief appearance, albeit by Facetime, to tell Danni that there was only one Danielle Armstrong. Not sure if that was worth the European call charges. Tell her something she doesn’t know eh?
Billie decided to take the bull by the horns and encouraged Gemma enlighten Danni with the information she has regarding Lockie. We all know Gemma doesn’t really need any encouragement.
When I get back from a holiday, the last thing on my mind would be getting dolled up and going out that night, I’m almost 30 now. Not for this bunch mind you, as soon as they’re back on English soil they’re hitting the nightclub “Unit 7” (looks pretty decent to be fair).
You always know when you’re approaching the end of an episode of TOWIE and they’re filming in a club that we’re building up to some drama. Everyone’s getting on, having a laugh, dancing and drinking.
NOT FOR LONG THOUGH. EVIL GEMMA AND HER FINGERS ARE ABOUT TO PUT PAID TO THAT!!!!!
Lockie just wanted to be happy apparently. I’d enjoy that while it lasts, I don’t think it’ll be long my love.
Talking of a drama, Chloe Sims has got the ‘ump (said in a proper Essex accent) with Pete. Something to do with her daughter and a promise he broke. Not too sure what all that’s about, so if someone could let me know, it would be much appreciated. Must be something pretty bad for anyone to get upset with Pete or am I just hugely bias? “Who the fuck is Pete Wicks?” Chloe said. I’ll tell you Chloe, he’s the best thing to happen to TOWIE in a long time and he does not not look like a scrawny rat. So take that back.
Over to Danni and Lockie now and is it classic a case of she doesn’t want him but she doesn’t want anyone else to have him? That remains to be seen.
But Gemma has once again lit the blue touch paper and stood back to watch it all kick off. Whoever the girl who’s apparently having a bit of Lockie is, you can get bet your last quid that she’ll make an appearance soon. I just hope she doesn’t come dressed as a banana, like Frank Major did a couple of years ago. Remember ‘e?