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Don’t Be So Hard On Yourself

30/06/2016 23 Comments Written by ourrachblogs

Sometimes, in life, we really can be our own worst enemies.

I’d never take my best friend to one side and say “You’re a bad Mum, you’re a horrible person, you’re worthless, you’re ugly etc…”. I’d be the first one to celebrate how amazing she is and how lucky I feel to have her in my life and chances are you’d do the same with yours wouldn’t you?

So, why do I often find I’m doing the above with myself?

Why am I quick to berate instead of celebrate myself? And, perhaps I’m going out on a limb here, but I bet there’s many people out there who do the same.  Perhaps you’re reading this article now and you’re nodding along, comfortable in the knowledge that you, yourself do this on the regular.

If someone pays me a compliment, I’ll often roll my eyes and slip back into my chair (if I’m sat in one) wondering how to react and often feeling totally undeserved in being a recipient of that comment.

Say for example someone says I looked nice in a recent photo, the first thing I will think and more than likely say is “ah but I look like shit on a stick today”. When really I should just thank the person for their kind words and accept their compliment (although more often than not I do look like shit on a stick!).

Being a Mum, I often find myself in this negative trail of thought. I’ve written before outlining how guilt is a feeling I often experience as a Mum, and while it’s a futile emotion to feel it’s often one that is hard to escape.

It doesn’t come with a manual does it, this parenting malarkey? We’re handed a baby and then more or less sent on our merry way to raise that child to the best of our ability and I’ll be honest here, there are times over the last (almost) 3 years where I’ve felt like I’m not doing it to the best of my ability.

But that’s just a thought isn’t it? There’s no evidence to support that.  My child is healthy and happy (bar the odd tantrum he likes to throw, namely when we’re in public; yeah, cheers for that kidder!) and the very fact there are times I doubt my parenting ability surely means I am a good Mum?  If I didn’t care then I wouldn’t worry?

Negativity breeds negativity. If I’m feeling in a particular ‘woe is me’ mood, perhaps I’m tired or not feeling too well, then that’s it; getting out of that mind-set can be overwhelmingly difficult to do and before I know it I’ve found myself on a downward spiral of self-loathing.  “You’re fat, you’re rubbish at your job, your nose is too big blah blah blah, you’re no good at anything” are just some of the thoughts that will reverberate around my mind.

How is this going to help me? How is this going to make me want to get up in the morning and go about my day?  If anything, it’s going to make me want to take to my bed and not face anyone or anything and before I know it, a vicious circle has erupted.

So, I’ve made a pact with myself.

NO MORE BERATION AND MORE CELEBRATION.

No, I’m not going to go and become this egotistical nightmare who thinks they’re amazing at anything and everything – there’s nothing attractive about that.

Moreover, I want to stop this negative thought pattern I often find myself in.

Cliché perhaps, but it’s so much easier to love others than to love yourself isn’t it? But why is that the case?  You’re less likely to let yourself down than others’ (unless like me you show yourself up when you’ve had a few wines) and you know more than anyone what you like and what you don’t like in life.  You know what you’ve achieved and you know what makes you happy, so focus on that.

Remember why you’re loved by the people that are in your life and celebrate your good points.

I refuse to look in the mirror and focus on the things I want to change anymore. Yes, I’d love a nose job but I’m not going to be finding myself on the surgeons table anytime soon so let’s appreciate my side profile for what it is, because criticising myself over it isn’t going to change anything.  It’s only going to lead to more self-loathing.

The overriding point I’m trying to make in this post is this: Life is tough, bloody tough at times, you only need to open a newspaper or turn the news on to see what’s going on in the world at the moment.  Being a friend to yourself rather than an enemy can only be a good thing, it can only make you happier in life and like negativity breeds negativity, positivity breeds…yep, you guessed it!

Go on Jess Glynne, sing it to me!

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23 Comments

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  1. Clearissa Coward Clearissa Coward
    30/06/2016    

    This is a difficult lesson to learn and a learned behavior. It is so easy to beat your self up. I have to consciously talk positively to myself and sometimes I forget. Thank you for the reminder.

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  2. Bridie By The Sea Bridie By The Sea
    30/06/2016    

    I love this. I often think that – why am I so mean when I talk to myself? As you quite rightly say, you’d never dream of speaking to a friend like that – so why do it to yourself! Brilliant post for all Mums, sometimes we need to cut ourselves a break and remind ourselves that we’re pretty amazing xx

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  3. Nat Halfpenny Nat Halfpenny
    01/07/2016    

    Totally agree with this! I am BIG on self love and for the most part I am kind to myself, but it’s all too easy to become critical. Simple things like walking in a rain storm like a drowned rat and being driven past by an immaculate (Dry!) woman can make me feel less than impressed with myself. I think it is all to do with focusing on yourself, comparison isn’t good, for me anyway.
    Great post and you know I’m singing that for the rest of the day.

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  4. Sarah - Mum & Mor Sarah - Mum & Mor
    02/07/2016    

    I think person’s worst critic is themselves. It definitely applies to me. There’s times where I feel like the worst mum on the planet. I really should be giving myself much more credit. #fortheloveofBLOG

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  5. Jo Sandelson Jo Sandelson
    02/07/2016    

    Hi Rach, you’re right it’s a tough one and i constantly have to remind myself all the time to be a bit kinder to myself. Why do we do this? Men in my experience hardly ever retreat when given a compliment or asked to talk about themselves. I wonder if this is down to conditioning or just the way a lot of us are built? Jo x

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  6. Sunita Sunita
    02/07/2016    

    This is such good advice – be a friend to yourself. It’s hard to do at times but we need to keep practising this! We’re all doing our best, juggling lots of different roles and things. #FortheloveofBLOG x Sunita

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  7. themotherhub themotherhub
    07/07/2016    

    So true..and something I am just trying to come to terms with myself also. Be your own cheerleader, not critic. Your right, I would never tell a friend, you shouldnt do that , you’re not good enough..so why would I be so harsh on myself! It takes practice, but Im getting there! Hope you do too #stayclassy

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  8. laura dove laura dove
    07/07/2016    

    Oh this is so relevant to me. I am TERRIBLE at putting myself down and criticising myself, I feel guilty for just about everything and really struggle with low self esteem and confidence. This is so true though, I would never dream of saying those things to a friend so why do I say them to myself? Really thought provoking, thank you. #sharingthebloglove

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  9. The Pramshed The Pramshed
    07/07/2016    

    I completely agree with you, and yes I was nodding along thinking the same. We need to be nicer to ourselves, we have done so much looking after children and often putting ourselves at the bottom of the priority list but you’re right we need to celebrate our successes and achievements, and also be grateful to accept compliments rather than turn it into a negativity. Thanks so much for linking up this week at #fortheloveofBLOG. Claire x

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  10. The Tale of Mummyhood The Tale of Mummyhood
    07/07/2016    

    I think a lot of people are like this, we can always see the good in others but not ourselves. We do need to treat ourselves better then hopefully positivity will breed positivity instead!

    #StayClassyMama

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  11. Dean of Little Steps Dean of Little Steps
    07/07/2016    

    Well done for being aware that this putting oneself down has to stop. Some people are not even aware that they are doing it and keep doing it. I sometimes do it too and as a mum I guess we have to be careful of what we say/do in front of our kids, especially since children often times copy their parents. #SharingTheBloglove

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  12. Crummy Mummy Crummy Mummy
    07/07/2016    

    These are nice thoughts – it’s all a case of mind over matter #bestandworst

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  13. The Mum Project - Meagan The Mum Project - Meagan
    07/07/2016    

    Rach, first of all, you are beautiful and an amazing blogger. Just look at this post! You’ve only been at it for a year and have already a dedicated following and so many other successes. So, there should be no reason whatsoever to say anything negative about yourself.

    Second of all, you are absolutely right. For some reason, despite all of our accomplishments, we tend to put ourselves down. I’m going to copy you and try to be more positive in myself because that is really the person you should be most happy first and foremost. Thanks for the inspiration and sharing with #StayClassyMama!

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  14. helen gandy helen gandy
    07/07/2016    

    This is so true, I am always hard on myself and really need to stop it! Love that you are going to be more celebratory 🙂 Thanks for sharing with the #bestandworst

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  15. Kim Kim
    08/07/2016    

    We must have been on the same thought wave this week as I too wrote about stopping negative thoughts! Love this! Great post #Brillblogposts

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  16. Kat Kat
    09/07/2016    

    I really get this. We should have a much more positive inner dialogue and celebrate ourselves more than we do. #bestandworst

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  17. Katy - Hot Pink Wellingtons Katy - Hot Pink Wellingtons
    09/07/2016    

    I love this! (I think I wrote something similar myself a little while back!) I can really relate to it – I really find that trying to recognise when I’ve done something well or I’m proud of something helps to balance out the negative thoughts. It feels really silly at first, but it really does make a huge difference to my ability to be positive. And giving ourselves a break is so important – we’re with ourselves every minute of every day, so we see all the bad stuff that we’d never see in other people’s lives. And we’d never speak to a friend like that! Thanks so much for joining us at #SharingtheBlogLove

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  18. Laura - dear bear and beany Laura - dear bear and beany
    10/07/2016    

    Fab post! I am really bad at seeing and hearing the negative and cannot take a compliment at all. I have really low confidence and this has been heightened since becoming a mum. It’s something my husband talks to me about a lot and I am trying to be better. Thank you for joining us for #SharingtheBlogLove Laura x

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  19. Jane Taylor Jane Taylor
    12/07/2016    

    Great post, Rach. I think we all need to take to heart what you said about ‘not saying to a friend or treating a friend like we treat ourselves.’ That is so true and yet time and time again we listen to those negatives we feed ourselves. WHen we get a compliment, its a knee jerk reaction to bat it away, rather than think ‘this person is my friend. They are my friend because they have integrity, they are honest and I trust their judgement’…Letting the compliment reach it’s target and leave us feeling warm and fuzzy.

    Your last line will stick with me ,Being a friend to yourself rather than an enemy can only be a good thing, it can only make you happier in life and like negativity breeds negativity, positivity breeds…yep, you guessed it!.

    Thanks for sharing. I really appreciated it. #DreamTeam

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  20. Merlinda Little (Glimmer of Hope) Merlinda Little (Glimmer of Hope)
    14/07/2016    

    I follow you in instagram and I always find your photos of your and your fam and friends – fun!

    This is such a positive move. Now I wish I can do this too. I will try to be not my own worst enemy.

    #dreamteam

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  21. Annette, 3 Little Buttons Annette, 3 Little Buttons
    15/07/2016    

    Well said. It’s not always easy to truly acknowledge positive compliments from others and sometimes we are even more likely to overlook the ones we should be giving ourselves. I think you are so right to believe that we should treat ourselves how we would normally treat our friends. Thank you for linking up to the #DreamTeam

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  22. My Crisis Of Confidence | My Crisis Of Confidence |
    03/08/2016    

    […] may recall I wrote a post back in June titled Don’t Be So Hard On Yourself. It was about being kinder to ourselves and treating yourself how you would your best friend.  […]

  23. Why Do I Write About Mental Health? Why Do I Write About Mental Health?
    20/09/2017    

    […] We wouldn’t turn to a friend and berate them for their looks, their abilities or their personality. So, why do we do it to ourselves? […]

  1. My Crisis Of Confidence | on 03/08/2016 at 11:01 am
  2. Why Do I Write About Mental Health? on 20/09/2017 at 8:51 am

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