Historically, I’ve always been quite a confident person.
What’s that saying? Fake it until you make it? Well, if I’ve ever had a time where I’ve had a crisis of confidence I’ve managed to pull my resources together and have pretended that I’m exuding something that alludes to confidence. Even if inside I’m feeling anything but.
You may recall I wrote a post back in June titled Don’t Be So Hard On Yourself. It was about being kinder to ourselves and treating yourself how you would your best friend. Building yourself up, not knocking yourself down.
You see, the thing is, I’ve always been quite good at imparting advice and wisdom but when it comes to heeding my words it ain’t always that easy.
Lately I feel like I’m experiencing a ‘crisis of confidence’. I’m finding myself doing the opposite of what I wrote about earlier this year. I’m berating myself, I’m knocking myself down and I’m being far from kind to myself.
Before I go on, please don’t think the reason behind this post is for you, the reader, to indulge in some stroking of my ego. That’s not the intention here. As I’ve documented before, I love writing, it’s my means of escapism and it is so cathartic for me. Often when I’ve written a post about something that has been playing on my mind and is about my feelings I feel a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. And if I can help others with my words and experiences then great. An added bonus for sure.
Last year was a rollercoaster of a year for me. I’d recovered from a breakdown in early January and was focussed on getting myself better and I did. I really did get better. 2015 will always be remembered as a tough but amazing year. I experienced some lows but some utter highs and it will stand out as one of my most memorable years for sure.
I can’t ever recall experiencing anything that resembled a crisis of confidence throughout the latter part of 2015. I was so overjoyed to feel better and was enjoying life so much, I was a real friend to myself. I’d tell myself daily that I was proud of myself for coming through the worst and dealing with some really quite difficult times. I felt like I had found a new identity for myself and dare I say it, I really quite liked it.
So, with all that in mind, I can’t understand why I’ve found myself in a negative thought pattern where I’m seemingly beating myself up on the regular.
Below I’ve detailed a few thoughts and feelings I’ve encountered recently. Last year I was so good at telling myself “it’s just a thought, treat it with the contempt it deserves, let it come and let it go, it’s not indicative of the truth”. It’s unfortunate that I can’t seem to get into that mind-set now.
You’re a bad Mum.
You’re not good at writing
You’ll never be a success
Nobody likes you
You’ve changed for the worst
You’re not good at anything
You’re a fuck up
You’re not good at your job
You never seem to achieve anything
These statements are a small handful of the many, many thoughts and feelings I’ve experienced lately and like I’d previously written I wouldn’t dream of saying any of this to my friends to why am I letting myself be so cruel?
I’m finding it hard to focus on the things I have achieved. I’m finding it hard to be around people at the moment and I know deep down this is because I don’t like myself very much at the moment. I guess if I don’t like myself very much then I often wonder how can other people like me. Talk about feeling sorry for yourself eh?
What I need is a big kick up the backside.
I don’t want sympathy (although I have bit of a bug at the moment so you can send sympathy for that in bucket loads if you want). And please don’t feel sorry for me. But just know that sometimes even though we can purport on social media that all is OK, it might not be.
We’re all facing battles and we all have dark times and I’m sure the majority of people who are reading this today (all 4 of you) will know what I mean when I write about my crisis of confidence. In time I’m sure it’ll pass, like things often do.
For now I just need to draw on the endless therapy I’ve previously had and above all be kind to myself.
On Twitter? You can follow me on @ourrachblogs