For me, the first series of Ex On The Beach was a winning concept. Stick a bunch of glamorous(ish) wannabe celebs on a ‘remote’ island for what has likely been sold to them as a holiday of a lifetime and just as things are all hunky dory, drop some exes in to the mix.
That’s right, the relative calm is rocked by one of the contestants exes joining them on their ‘holiday of a lifetime’, complete with twists and turns it was an absolute dream of a watch for a Reality TV obsessive like myself.
We’re now on Ex On The Beach series 5 and I have to be honest, I’m surprised it’s still running. Surely there is no shock anymore? The format has been used and abused. When that tablet of terror makes itself known (this is usually how the contestants are informed that an exes arrival is imminent) surely they can’t be shocked? They must have watched the first few series?
This time around it’s an All Stars version. If you can use the word stars of course, I use the term loosely.
We have a range of celebs from shows such as Geordie Shore as well as a number of previous Ex On The Beach contestants to make it all that more interesting. It’s sure to be a hotbed of drama, sex and probably STI’s.
First into the mix we have Bear. Who CBB viewers will recognise as the controversial housemate currently causing a whole manner of issues in the most famous house on television. Now, you may hate me for this but I have a confession to make. I love Bear. He cracks me up. If he had a fuck he wouldn’t give it. Bear reminds me of Paul Danan of Hollyoaks and Celebrity Love Island fame way back in the mid noughties. He even talks like him.
See what I mean? It’s uncanny.
We’re less than 5 minutes into the first episode and we already have the first snog of the series, no surprises there. As I said, this is a hotbed of lust.
Gaz from Geordie Shore has decided to have another bash at Ex On The Beach, he’s currently with Charlotte from the same show and has decided to use EOTB as a test. Sounds like a really wise idea that one, I can just see how it’s gonna pan out before he’s even stepped foot on the beach.
Jemma from a previous series confesses she finds Gaz “unreal”. Ripped, the lot. I’m trying really hard to see what she sees but all I see is a little man trying to be the big man, I’m afraid.
She’s got her eye on the prize. Or the parsnip as Gaz’s piece is mainly referred to as.
Chloe from series 1 is here to have fun. Viewers may remember her from Celebrity Big Brother a few series ago. She came, she saw and she didn’t really conquer so perhaps she’s hoping for a different fate on EOTB. She informs us she’s still a bitch, so that’s nice.
The tablet of terror has spoken, no exes just yet but Jess from a previous series and Gaz are to go on a date together. He’s not complaining but she looks less than pleased.
Bear and Jordan who has named himself the king of Ex On The Beach, I believe because he’s appeared in the most series are having a ‘Megan Standoff’. Megan, who first found fame on EOTB then went onto star in CBB as well as TOWIE (it’s the Reality TV equivalent of bed hopping) was previously engaged to Jordan but had a snog with Bear (are you keeping up?). They’re arguing over who got there first with Bear conceding he didn’t actually want to shag her. There was only one person he reminded me of with this scene and that was David Brent.
Spin the bottle time now and there appears to be a touch of class amongst the group. Jess has admitted she doesn’t kiss straight away (poor Gaz). That’s gone down like a bag of cold sick. Liam (from a previous series) has kicked off and Chloe has stuck up for Jess. I can remember thinking way back when I first watched EOTB that Liam was like thrush and it appears I’m in good company as some of the other contenders do too. Jemma would’ve given Gaz a kiss with her ‘pussy lips’ though so don’t worry Gaz, you have that option if you want it. Pass the sick bag.
The table of terror is off again and talking of Jemma, she has to choose a person she’d like to spend a night with. No guessing who she chooses. “Gaz, would you like to join me in the penthouse”. She says with a lusty tone. Let’s see that test of yours put to the erm test then Gaz. “I now have to spend the night with the horniest bastard in the villa” declares Gaz. And they say romance is dead.
Apparently Gaz has got the charm. Probably combined with about 9 different strains of chlamydia but hey, who’s judging?
Spotlight is back on Bear now and he’s trying to work his magic on Chloe. It’s going well. Really it is. Until Chloe walks off and tells Bear in no uncertain terms that she ain’t buying his shit.
Returning to the penthouse and someone’s pants are down already. “If she is going to start spitting on my dick” moans Gaz. As if it’s some sort of excuse and we’re all supposed to feel sorry for him. Although why anyone would want to spit on someone’s penis is beyond me. The test is going well then.
“I basically got ruined last night, annihilated” confesses Jemma. Something tells me she ain’t talking about the amount of champagne consumed. I think it goes back to the spitting on a penis. Turns out I’m right and Gaz’s sexual prowess is up for discussion. 8 times apparently.
8 times mind.
Liam and Olivia (again from a previous series) are off on a date. Apparently, according to Liam she is “dripping like an egg sandwich” and there’s an analogy I never want to hear again. Ever.
The tablet of terror has once again let its presence be known. Jess, Chloe and Bear have to take their place on the beach and await the arrival of an ex. Bear has a semi apparently as he knows that if it’s a girl he’s “been through them before” and that incites good memories. Bless.
And the ex is…..
It’s one of Bear’s exes named Kayleigh. Now I remember Kayleigh from a previous series and this girl ain’t afraid to have a row. Neither Chloe nor Jess look happy to see Kayleigh, so clearly there’s been beef between the girls. According to Chloe, Kayleigh has slept with pretty much all of her exes. But Kayleigh can only think of one. Before you know it a full on row has broken out on the beach and Bear is stuck right in the middle. There’s only one thing on his mind apparently and that’s an orgy. You’ve got two hopes Bear and one of them is dead.
Something he is pinning his hopes on, is rekindling the love or lust with Kayleigh as they go on a date. He’s hopeful of some hanky panky.
Back at the villa and world war 3 is about to erupt. It all comes down to a comment Kayleigh made about Jemma, something about her looking like a used condom. Is that even possible?
Before you know it Jemma and Kayleigh are up in each other’s faces and I’m beginning to get concerned about the amount of hair extensions that will likely end up littering the villa floor.
One warning from the producers later (what do they actually expect – a quaint little tea party?) and peace has been temporarily restored. For how long is anyone’s guess.
Tablet of terror strikes once again, the second ex is on their way. To make things all the more awkward it’s Jemma and Kayleigh who have to go and wait it out on the beach. Before round 2 begins, think of the hair extensions girls.
Jemma is in a world of stress, there’s a particular ex that she doesn’t want to see. It amazes me that these people put themselves through this, all I can say is the fee and the potential of a little more fame taking them from Z to Y list must be too much to turn down.
Unfortunately, for Jemma it is in fact the ex she doesn’t want to see, Horley. He nobly confesses to Jemma’s face that he is about to make a mug of her. What a charmer.
As for me, I’m already counting down the days until the next episode. Don’t judge.