Today hasn’t been a good day.
Sparing you from the gory details as best I can, last night I was reminded all about the perils of being a woman.
As I’ve previously written, I really suffer with my periods. I’ve never had the easiest of rides, ever since I was a teenager. However, since having my son 3 years ago, they’ve progressively gotten worse. I’ve tried various methods of contraception with limited success and have resigned myself to my monthly cycle always being this way until I either hit the menopause or perhaps have a hysterectomy; something I sometimes find myself thinking about. Especially once a month.
I’m someone who needs a lot of sleep, mainly for my mental health. If I have broken sleep it affects how I feel the next day, often leaving me feeling down, anxious and lethargic. Last night I was kept awake a lot, mainly because of the period pain that was ravaging my lower body, but also due to the fact I have a son who has a severe dislike of his own bed. He much prefers laying star shaped in mine.
It’s not just my periods and lack of sleep that have left me in something of a sullen mood today.
I’ve been trying to wean myself off of my medication.
Since the Summer I’ve been taking my Citalopram every other day as opposed to daily. With no apparent ill effects.
I was hopeful that if I continue the way I’m going, I’ll be able to come off my medication permanently. Although I still get moments of anxiety and the occasional low mood, I feel best placed to deal with these episodes if I utilise the therapy I’ve received in the past.
It’s been a busy week this week with me returning to the office after 2 weeks annual leave, having my work appraisal; amongst other things, which meant a few things have been taking a back seat. Remembering to take my medication being one of them.
Because I’m no longer in the routine of taking them daily, it’s not at the forefront of my mind. In fact, it’s not even really on my mind. I got to the end of the week and remembered it had been a few days since I’d last taken one.
I’ve been fine I thought. Aside from a few moments of stress, which I’d thought I’d dealt with quite well, I’ve been OK.
No increase in intrusive thoughts. No low moods. No racing thoughts or focussing on one thing and thinking about it over and over again.
Let’s see if I can go longer without taking my medication, I thought. What’s the worst that can happen?
Well, my friends, allow me to tell you.
Dizziness. The most incredible is the floor moving or is it me dizziness?
Anger. Irrepressible, I want to scream and shout in equal measures anger.
Instability. One minute I don’t feel too bad, the next I’m on the periphery of breaking down.
Lethargy. My motivation to do ANYTHING has well and truly left the building. It’s long gone.
And if I’m honest, it’s quite scary.
If I think about it long enough I could have a long old cry. And I’m really not much of a crier. Except if you sit me in front of Shutter Island, when apparently I’ll bawl like a baby.
Life has well and truly overwhelmed me today, so much so I’ve taken to my bed this afternoon in the hope that it’ll all blow over.
I’ve been on the receiving end of a bollocking from both my boyfriend and my Mum for being so irresponsible. “Don’t you think you should have sought medical advice before you stopped taking your medication” they both said in unison, despite not being in the same room as one another.
Well, yes, in hindsight I think I should have done. But that’s the beauty of hindsight, isn’t it?
Wes is currently down my Mum’s now and my ears are burning like they’ve just been pierced. I’m sure this bollocking won’t be the last.
Of course, I’ve now taken my tablet. Annoyed with myself for wasting a Sunday feeling like this. Disappointed that I’m obviously not ready to be ‘Citalopram free’.
As I write, the dizziness seems to be abating so that’s something. Although it’s paved the way for a shitter of a headache. A symptom I remember experiencing when I first started taking my medication nearly 2 years ago. Could the 2 be linked perhaps?
I’ve certainly learnt my lesson. I don’t think I’ll be making this mistake again. I can’t remember the last time I felt this miserable, period or no period.
However, one thing I’ve been reminding myself today is this; tomorrow is another day. Let’s just hope it’s better than Sullen Sunday eh?