If there was a post I ever thought I wouldn’t write, it would be one about me abstaining from the overwhelming temptation of smoking a cigarette.
Well, actually, that’s not strictly true. But more on that later.
I decided to give up smoking on Monday 3rd October. The date sticks in my mind because it was the day I returned from a weekend in Marbella.
Oh what fun we had. A proper sun soaked, full of belly laughs, weekend of fun and debauchery. We drank (too much), we partied (too hard) and I had to piece together our whereabouts via my credit card statement. It was as hedonistic as I’d hoped and exactly what I wanted when it came to the final celebration of turning 30.
There was a lot of this in Marbs.
I returned on the Monday afternoon a broken woman.
We didn’t get back to our hotel room on the Sunday night until 3am, my best friend had to put me to bed (again), only to wake me up at 7am for our flight back home. I swear I was still half pissed. In fact, I was probably still utterly inebriated. I can’t even remember getting on the plane.
If I’d have seen this photo on Manky Monday then I would have likely thrown up all over my Mother’s light grey carpet.
What I do remember, however, is just how bad I felt that Monday afternoon whilst led out on my Mother’s sofa, feeling utterly sorry for myself. Waves of nausea, a nervous stomach and mild palpitations made me decide this behaviour could not continue.
I decided, there and then, to give up the booze (kind of, Christmas is around the corner after all) and to finally quit the smoking.
I felt DISGUSTING, I looked HORRIFIC and I knew at that moment it was time to stop celebrating being 30 and actually start acting like a 30 year old.
‘Quitting’ the booze has been easy. Not a sip of alcohol has touched my lips since Marbella. I’ve replaced guzzling wine with endless cups of tea and I’m sad to say the abstention of smoking has paved the way for shoving as much food into my mouth as humanly possible. Never mind Man V Food, it’s more a case of Rach vs pizza, chocolate, toast, cheese, crisps and anything else that has a stupid amount of calories. The gluttony is palpable.
I haven’t dared to take a step on the scales in weeks. Instead, preferring to allow myself my piggish tendencies whilst I get to grips with ensuring my willpower with quitting the evil fags is as strong as it possibly can be.
And my willpower, to my surprise, has been brilliant. Apart from on one occasion.
As I wrote on the weekend, I wasn’t in a good place mentally.
I stupidly and idiotically, decided to stop taking my medication for anxiety and depression. And didn’t I find out the hard way just how senseless that was.
The word to sum up the majority of this week is morose. Getting out of bed has been an effort. Usually when I wake up, aside from feeling tired, I feel positive, I look forward to the day ahead. But this week has been startlingly different.
Every task, no matter how menial, has been like undertaking a run up Mount Kilimanjaro, blindfolded.
I didn’t recognise myself, nothing excited me, I couldn’t get passionate about anything, I didn’t even rant on Twitter much, which is a sure fire sign that things are not A OK in my world. I love nothing more than having a good old impassioned, expletive filled vent on Twitter about something or someone who has gotten under my skin.
I missed smoking a cigarette so much.
So much so, I’m slightly ashamed to say, I gave into temptation on Tuesday afternoon.
It had been exactly 2 weeks since I’d last puffed on an evil stick of doom, but at that moment in time the justification I was making to myself was throwing serious shade on my willpower.
I sat in the garden, took out a fag and tentatively lit her up.
AND IT WAS VILE.
The pleasure I was hoping to be on the receiving end of was nowhere in sight. I took 4 puffs and put it straight out. The smell was heinous, I instantly felt dirty and took my self straight upstairs where I brushed my teeth with vigour (not great for my already receding gums) and scrubbed at my hands like I’d just been manipulating a raw chicken (a nauseating thought indeed).
It was at that moment I realised, despite how I was feeling mentally and emotionally, I don’t need a cigarette to make me feel better. In fact, it made me feel worse.
Smoking has always been my crutch. In times of stress, I’ve turned to the fags. If I’ve got a glass of wine in my right hand then you can bet your house on the fact there will be a ciggie in my left hand. It’s been a huge part of my life for many years, I’m sorry to say.
As the days have progressed, I’m pleased to report I feel much like my ‘normal’ self, whatever that is. My spark has been reignited. Obviously I’ve restarted my medication, which I’m sure has had a profound effect on my mental health but I’ve also been kind to myself. Something that is so important when it comes to ensuring wellbeing.
I didn’t berate myself for half smoking that cigarette on Tuesday.
Instead, I looked at the positives.
I didn’t enjoy it. I extinguished it pretty much as quickly as I lit it. I was honest to myself and to Wes; I didn’t hide it. I congratulated myself for how far I’d come (OK, you might think it’s the smallest of victories, but to me 2 weeks is HUGE).
The best bit in all of this, is that since my slip up on Tuesday, I haven’t even been remotely tempted to repeat my misdemeanour.
Settling for using my vape as and when I feel the need, I’ve barely thought about cigarettes since.
The smell of fag smoke makes me feel bilious and I’m over the moon with how much money I’ve saved in the short period of time I’ve abstained. A huge incentive in itself.
A thing of the past. Hopefully.
I really, really, REALLY hope I can keep this up. For now I feel very determined. I want to revel in my non-smoker status and reap the benefits that giving up smoking entails. Fresher skin, more money, improved health and perhaps a longer life.
Heck, I’ve even decided to start running again next week!!!! Don’t laugh. Or actually, do, because I look like Mr Blobby in a wig when I attempt anything more than a power walk.
Well, I’ve got to shift the pocket of fat that’s made itself quite at home around my waist somehow, haven’t I?!
There I go, taking a jog down Kingswood High Street.
Good for you! You’ll feel like a new woman in a few weeks! I quit both around 11 years ago and I’m so glad I did. Keep up the good work and try not to worry too much about weight gain, chewing gum helped me a lot when I quit smoking. Also keeping your hands busy, I took up knitting.
Haha brilliant post! I can certainly relate to recounting drunken nights out via receipts and bank statements. Or at least I could before kids. Well done though, it can’t be easy so I very best of luck. You’all have to ween yourself off food sometime in the future haha.
#thatfridaylinky
That’s brilliant! Sounds like you’ve made a great start! Go you! I think you should feel really proud of yourself 🙂
Oops just realised I should have put #PoCoLo
YOU CAN DO IT! I have faith. Especially as you’ve turned the mental corner. Consider me your quitting cheerleader *waves pompoms*
Rachel you are a really strong lady!
Keep going – I’ve never smoked so I can’t imagine how hard it is to give up. I hope sharing your battle helped get some stuff off your chest, I enjoyed reading it and feeling like I can now root for you!
Will watch out for lack of Twitter rants now. Also going to look up what ‘bilious’ means.
Kx
Well done! I gave up smoking hopefully for the last time just over a year ago 🙂 I promise it gets easier! Keep going 🙂 #pocolo
Well done on quitting. It is great that you haven’t let that half cigarette deter you. Keep going and you will feel better than ever and good luck with the jogging 🙂
#fortheloveofBLOG
First off it sounds like you had an absolutely fab time and will look back in years to come fondly! And a massive well done to you. It’s a hard habit to curb and your off to a flying start, keep on going, keep focused. You can do it!
Love your hair by the way! #ThatFridayLinky
Well done Rach. I think we have all had that lightning bolt moment, usually in the midst of the worlds worst hangover where we look and feel disgusting after one too many vodkas and a pack of 20 the night before. You have to come to the realisation that a) its disgusting and b) its killing you in your own time. After that you don’t look back and it sounds like that’s what’s happened. Yay! Don’t worry about the overeating – one battle at a time! Thanks for sharing on #fortheloveofBLOG
As a fellow ex smoker I totally get what you’re saying, at times of stress I loved nothing more than that long drag to take your anger out on, but also having caved once or twice I love nothing more than that realisation that you don’t need the fag, I guess it’s working out what your new way of releasing stress is. Mine appears to be booze but when it’s a cheap crap wine like I’m drinking right now I do feel worse than before hahahaha!
Also me and Christina Aguilera are super happy you didn’t cave tonight?
#fortheloveofBLOG
Well done I have tried numerous times to give up never succeed may try again Thanks for linking to the #THAT FRIDAY LINKY come back next week please
Sounds like you had a great holiday and birthday, and well done on quitting 🙂 #fortheloveofBLOG
Thats brilliant! Good for you! Don’t worry about the four puffs, its normal to need to ‘give in’ at some point. Sounds like you are well on your way. Good luck with it, keep that will power up!
#fortheloveofBLOG
Well done! I gave up smoking around ten years ago and would never go back. The smell, the cost, argh! Keep it up! PS: I’m turning 30 in January! Looks like you had a fab time in Marbella! Thanks for joining in with #ThatFridayLinky
Well done on quitting! Spoil yourself with something special on the 4th of November to celebrate. You deserve it. ?
Yaaay! Well done and good for you! 🙂 Marbs does sound like it was fun though and the perfect way to see your 20s out! #MarvMondays
Woo hoo! Well done hun. I know how hard it is because I was exactly the same. I decided to give up when my big lad started copying me (pretending to smoke) I hated it! Stay strong hun, it’s hard sometime (mostly nights out) but I’ve never regretted stopping, Thank you for linking up to #EatSleepBlogRT
This is fantastic, well done! I know what you mean about it suddenly being disgusting, I used to have a serious problem drinking coke all the time, so much sugar! I went off it while pregnant and when I tried to drink it again afterwards it tasted like pure syrup, made my mouth feel sticky and gross and gave me a dodgy tummy! I’m so glad though, I needed to seriously reduce my sugar intake and was able to do so! x #eatsleepblogrt
Yay! Congratulations hon! I’ve never smoked (I just went straight to the biscuit habit), but I’ve been told that the first couple of weeks are definitely the hardest and you’ve nailed that so there’s no going back now! I agree – you should be so proud and thrilled that you tried one and didn’t enjoy it. That’s just showing that you’ve kicked it’s ass good and proper! Well done you. xx #bigpinklink
Well done!! Being an ex smoker I know how tough those first few weeks and you’re through the worst of it and you should definitely be proud of yourself. Thank you for sharing with #bigpinklink x
Ohh massive well done, it is so hard to quit something as addictive as tobacco. I hope you manage of stay off the fags. Mich x
Ah that’s so good, and I know how hard it is too! I gave up drinking (not when I was pregnant) for a little while and it was so so hard, especially when most of my friends are little party animals lol. I smoke when I drink as well which I thought I could stop after not doing it for 10 months but after I had my first glass of red wine I was rolling those babies up! Youre doing a fantastic job, keep up the good work! Thanks for sharing with #GlobalBlogging!
Well done you, giving up two major addictions and battling with mental health is a huge deal. You give yourself a huge pat on the back and think about what you have achieved, not the odd slip up! #dreamteam
Congratulations!! It must be so so hard to quit but you deserve to be pleased with yourself 🙂 #DreamTeam
Much success down this road. You will feel so good so soon. Keep up the great work. #chucklemums
Well done! Keep up the good work and hopefully you will never need to smoke another cigarette again! #GlobalBlogging
At risk of sounding condescending – seriously, well done! Such a big step towards better health.
I wouldn’t want to give up booze, though 😉
#chucklemums
Everyone loves a fucking quitter! Giving up booze and fags in tandem might be a LITTLE hardcore, but seriously well done on doing away with the smokes. Don’t be tempted to go back to that vile green tea from previous posts, either. Thanks for linking to #chucklemums, we love having you as always!! xxx
That’s fantastic news! Congratulations! Such a hard habit to give up, I know!!! One day at a time! You are so right! It’s vital to be kind to ourselves! Enjoy the run 🙂 Thanks for linking up lovely! #GlobalBlogging
good for you and good luck. I’ve made a few half-hearted attempts over the years but have never really set my mind to it. Its disgusting how much money we waste on such a terrible habit #bestandworst
Congrats on taking the leap! It’s definitely all about one day at a time and looking at the positives :o) x
Kat
#BloggerClubUk
Hi Rach and well done! Giving up isn’t easy, but when the time is right it’s certainly easier. You sound pretty determined and not letting the fact you lit up (then extinguished) one cigarette lead to you falling off the wagon. You can do this! And I am sure that getting back running will help as well. Fit and fab and all that.
#PoCoLo.
bloody well done you total ledge #stayclassymama
I think you will keep it up as you will remember how horrid that smoke was on Tuesday! This is a really fab post. Well done you and keep us updated to how you are doing. ps Marbs did look ace. Thanks for sharing with #bestandworst x
I am full of admiration! Well done and good luck #PoCoLo
This is incredible, well done. I want to stop too but I really don’t have the willpower at the moment. It desn’t matter if you had a slight slip, we all do it and the fact that you’ve come this far is something to ve proud of! Well done you! #coolmamaclub
WELL DONE. God, your holiday sounded amazing though! Loads of fun!
Hahaha brilliant, I wish you all the luck in the world with quitting, and the first two weeks are the hardest so you’re pretty much most of the way there (so i hear) #chucklemums
Well done darling, the greatest thing you’ve done for yourself and running again will really show you what your lungs are capable of now! The difference is within days! Proud of you! Love Marbs too x
Back from #StayClassyMama, good work again on not smoking AND starting to run!
Well done!! You’re right to not beat yourself up over the small hiccup, you are doing amazingly! I look forward to reading more on how you’re getting on. #brilliantblogposts
Great job going this far with only a minor misdemeanor! Think of all the stuff you can buy instead now!! #chucklemums
Good for you !!! Keep strong #fortheloveofblog
That is brilliant, well done!! As they say, small steps will get you there. And jogging too… now you really are showing off 🙂 The furthest I can run is down the road, and that usually ends in disaster. Thanks so much for sharing with the #Dreamteam xx
Well done keep up the fantastic work!! I’m sure you’ll do great! Quite reassuring that when you did have a blip, you hated it! Stay strong lady! #stayclassymama
[…] terms of the fitness regime I previously wrote about, well, how do you think that has gone? There’s been no declaration on social media so I think […]
2 weeks IS huge and it is great news that you hated that one evil stick of doom when you relapsed for a millisecond. Have to say I’ve always thought you’ve go amazing skin so how you had that on the fags I don’t know! Fingers crossed you keep it up Hun. Maybe let us know in another post further down the line? #stayclassymama