I’m pissed off.
Facebook has decided not to give me the opportunity to see my year in review. Seemingly every other bastard on there has been able to take a look back at 2016 apart from me.
Just as well really. There some parts of 2016 I’d really rather forget.
So, because Facebook has denied me the chance to look back at pissed up photos and my inane status updates, I thought I’d do my own sort of review on my very own website.
Aren’t you lucky?
Before I get going I’m going to reference Facebook again, because it appears 2016 has been quite a shite year for many. I’ve seen a lot of people declare 2016 to be the worst year of their lives, and I’m sorry to see that. I’ve had an Annus Horriblis before and that was 2015. Everything that could go wrong, went wrong and I was on the receiving end of more than my fair share of bad luck. But I got through it, I weathered the storm and learnt a lot of lessons along the way.
I’ve also learnt quite a lot in 2016 as it happens too. It’s been an interesting year for sure. Never one to shy away from drama, I’ve been embroiled in a fair few situations that make my toes curl in embarrassment whenever I think of them. However, that’s all part of life’s rich tapestry isn’t it. Experiencing, learning and moving on. It’s all material for the book I keep threatening to write. Although I think I need to wait a few years before I pen my memoirs. I don’t fancy any lawsuits, considering I’ll be paying off my credit card until I’m at least 35. So, until I decide to write my autobiography, you’ll just have to make do with a list of very valuable things I’ve learnt this year. Perhaps one or two may resonate with you.
10. Expect the unexpected
Donald Trump President of the United States? Don’t be absurd.
Britain out of the EU? You’re talking stupid talk.
David Gest ‘dies twice’? Seriously fuck off with this bullshit.
If there’s one thing 2016 has taught us all, I’m sure, it’s that you always have to expect the unexpected. Life has a very weird way of working and I’m sure this is a year we’ll be referring to for many years to come. In fact, instead of me saying “I’ve had a Weston” when I’ve fucked something up (Weston Super Mare = nightmare; Bristol rhyming slang), I’m going to announce “I’ve had a 2016”.
9. TOWIE is more set up than I ever could have imagined
Don’t roll your eyes. Hear me out, or read me out rather. Yes I know The Only Way Is Essex is a Reality TV show that doesn’t really focus on the real, but even I couldn’t believe my eyes when I took part in the filming of an episode back in October. We’re well versed with the line “Some of this is set up purely for your entertainment” but I never appreciated just how scripted it was. Don’t get me wrong, the day itself was one of the best days I’ve ever had. We got pissed courtesy of ITV and met the stars of the programme we’ve obsessed over for 6 years. But when you see just what goes into the making of one episode, how much gets scrapped (yes, again I ended up on the cutting room floor for fuck sake), what the cast are told to say or rather not to say and how many times even the simplest of tasks has to get repeated you begin to see it’s basically fake. I still watch it though, so what does that say about me?
You can see my nose in a clip of the TOWIE episode I filmed. That massive fucker gets in EVERYTHING.
8. I need to think before acting
I’ve always been one of those people who act now, think later but I’ve lost count of the amount of times that’s bitten me on my cellulite ridden arse this year. There’s been many an occasion in 2016 I’ve berated myself for doing something so utterly ridiculous that if someone else had done it I’d have slapped them across the face with their own fair hand.
7. I can do festivals
Who’d have thought it. I’d love to go back and tell 23 year old me that I lasted a whole festival and loved (almost) every minute of it. V Festival is hands down one of the best weekends I’ve ever had. Even if it pissed down and we had to wait 3 hours for a taxi to take us back to the hotel (I don’t slum it) at the end of the night. I enjoyed it so much I’ve already got my ticket for 2017 and I’m counting down the days/weeks/months.
V Fest. Loved it.
6. I have an inability to cry
I can’t cry. Well, I say I can’t cry but if you sit me down in front of The Notebook, Derek or even Life On The Road (great film) then I’ll bawl like a baby. But when it comes to my own life it just doesn’t happen, and then I think I’m coming across like some hard hearted bitch (I am). I’ve tried, oh believe me I’ve tried, I’ve stood there and tried to squeeze a tear out like I’ve been constipated for a month but it just doesn’t happen. No matter how much I want to cry. I often think crying is like a form of therapy. Have a good old crying sesh and immediately feel better, it’s just such a shame it doesn’t happen for me.
5. Age is just a number
Many of you will know I turned 30 in May this year. I know, I know, I harped on about it for long enough but I really was quite apprehensive about entering my 30’s. I didn’t feel ready, both emotionally and mentally. But do you know what? It really doesn’t matter. Not one bit. It may have taken me the best part of a year to realise that but I don’t feel any different at 30 than I did at 29 or at 25. Just perhaps a little more confident in myself. Which can only be a good thing right?
30, you’re not that bad after all.
4. I don’t suit a pixie crop
I really don’t. In my infinite wisdom, I asked my other half who is a highly esteemed barber (he told me to put that bit in) to chop my locks off back in 2015 and instantly regretted it. I missed my long bit of hair to the right of my head with such a passion. I tried to convince myself it looked OK, so did others around me, but when I look back at photos I know it didn’t suit me. I dreaded growing it out, I hate that in-between stage when you’re trying to grow a haircut out, it takes an age and 95% of the time it looks utter shit. But I’m pleased to say it was nowhere near as bad as I thought it would be and I’m now really quite happy with my hair. For now.
It’s no from me.
3.Honesty is the best policy. Most of the time.
Of course, there are times you shouldn’t be honest. “Do I look fat in this” is a question that should always be answered with a firm no, with absolutely zero exceptions. However, lying just does not sit well with me. It makes me feel anxious, guilty and plays heavy on my mind. There’s been times this year where I’ve been dishonest and there’s been times I’ve had to be searingly honest. Both have been difficult but the one that came easier was being honest.
2.I no longer have a semi fast metabolism
I’ve never been blessed with a super-fast metabolism but let me tell you now, in my mid-twenties it was a damn sight faster than it is now. I find losing weight so difficult these days, I don’t know if it’s the fact I hate diets more than I ever have or if it’s my age but my middle age spread is growing by the day and it’s a daily gamble as to whether my jeans will fit and not split up my arse. I’m hoping I’ll enjoy exercise more in 2017, I have in my mind an image of how I want my body to look and it’s the complete opposite of what I caught a glimpse of in the mirror before I got into the bath just now. Deeply unpleasant.
1.I actually have something that resembles willpower
If somebody told me I’d be cigarette free for 3 months by the end of the year, I’d have lit up a fag and blown it in your face in disgust (I wouldn’t cus that’s antisocial). I am so proud of myself for giving up the evil fags. It’s been a life changer. Don’t get me wrong, it’s been one of the hardest things I’ve ever done but it’s also one of the best. There have been so many times over the last 3 months I’d have happily sparked up a cigarette, and then another, and another and basically chained it for hours on end. But I didn’t. I didn’t give in, even during one of the most stressful months of my life, I kept to my word and gave the cigs a wide berth. It’s just such a shame I don’t have the monetary fruits of my labour.
Goodbye 2016, you’ve certainly been eventful.