I am the heaviest I’ve been in quite a while.
I wrote about this last year. And the year before that. I’ll probably write about it next year too knowing me.
I used to have such incredible motivation when it came to watching what I ate, how much I ate and exercising. I was in constant competition with myself, trying to ensure I’d beat the previous day’s record with how many steps I’d undertaken or how little calories I’d consumed. These days I don’t even keep a record of what I eat. It’s been 2 months since I last lied to logged into MyFitnessPal app, which is the longest time I’ve gone without doing so since I was pregnant nearly 4 years ago.
Every new week rolls around and I promise myself this will be the week I say goodbye to the chocolate, swap the white bread for wholemeal and actually get off my cellulite ridden arse and do something that resembles exercise.
I bought Joe Wicks’ fitness DVD a couple of weeks ago, after 3 minutes and 30 seconds I was so bored, I cracked opened the biscuit barrel and sat in front of said DVD stuffing left over Christmas Belgian biscuits into my gob in quick succession.
What’s all that about?
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, when it comes to making excuses not to do something I am the Queen. You name it, I’ve excused it. With this in mind, I thought I’d compile my Top 10 excuses I use when I forgo exercise and/or dieting. Hopefully I’ll shame myself into FINALLY doing something about it.
10. No one wants to be all muscly and fit anyway, do they?
Oh wow, look at that woman on Instagram, she could break limbs with those abs of hers. And the bitch makes it look easy. *Scrolls down* Oh but look at that Food Porn page, that chocolate melt in the middle fondant pudding looks amazing, I think I’ve got something similar in the fridge…..
9. It’s 2-4-1 on Dominos
Do it, says that little pizza loving voice in my head. There’s nothing more amazing than being greeted by a hot, steaming Margherita (with extra cheese, obvs) on a cold Tuesday night. Even if it contains 2,500 calories and will make you feel like utter shit for a whole day tomorrow. Those 14 minutes of pure, unadulterated joy will more than make up for it.
Pizza. It’s a love affair that will never end.
8. There’s always tomorrow
And the next day. And the day after that. Or failing that, 2018 could be the year of rock hard abs and clothes that actually fit.
7. You had a shit day at work
So you definitely should head straight to the chocolate aisle in Sainers and reward yourself for getting through the day with an abundance of Cadbury’s Dairy Milk (in all varieties). And what’s that? Crème Eggs are now on sale? Stick them in your basket an’ all. Yes, that box of 12. In they go.
6. You looked skinny(ish) in that selfie you took yesterday
When I say I looked skinny(ish) in that selfie I took, I mean after 95 attempts, throwing the phone against the wall 4 times and having 3 tantrums, I finally got an angle that sort of seemed to work. And that filter and making my legs look almost double jointed really helped too.
This is basically how my camera roll looks.
5. Your jeans seemed to fit you quite well today
You only had to suck your stomach in for 7 of the 8 hours you had them on.
4. It’s raining
No one wants to go for a run in the rain. Hood or no hood. Waterproofs or no water proofs (as if I own anything that resembles waterproofs).
3. It’s too cold
Bath, 4 bowls of cereal (with full fat milk), a cup of tea and bed. In that order.
2. You’re due on your period
Thus, it’s a well-known fact that if you are about to be reminded of the monthly perils being a woman brings then the only thing to do is to eat your body weight in chocolate and lie in bed watching trash TV. In fact, I swear someone passed a law saying no woman should exercise or diet when they’re due on.
1. You’re on your period
DON’T EVEN MENTION THE WORD EXERCISE. JUST BRING ME ALL THE CARBS.
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