Have you ever heard of Nostradamus? He’s a bloke from the Middle Ages who would predict world events, events that did actually occur long after his death. Spooky eh?
I can remember it was 1999. I’d read somewhere weeks before that Nostradamus had apparently predicted the world would end in July 1999, I can’t remember the exact date but I know it was a certain day in July 1999. I think he may have even predicted the time the apocalypse would occur. Well, let me tell you now, his prediction absolutely terrified me. My Mum will concur that I spent weeks harping on about this apocalyptic disaster we were on the periphery of (I’ve told you before I was a strange child). I can recall being in the bath one day in July 1999, convinced the world would end whilst I was having a soak. I really should’ve gone out more.
Anyway, I was thinking about this strange chain of events recently and with the New Year upon us (I sodding hate January, but more on that another day) I thought I might try and be Nostradamus for the day and throw some of my predictions into the ring.
Cheryl Tweedy/Cole/whatsyournametodaylove Will Change Her Surname. Again.
I’ve poked fun at Cheryl’s changing surname a few times on my site. I do it tongue in cheek of course, I honestly couldn’t give a flying fig how many times Cheryl wants to get wed. After all, she does make a beautiful bride (Ashley Cole, how could you do it to her you utter cad?)
I can deffo see her getting married again before the year is out. Maybe even before the winter is out. Especially now she is ‘with child’ (as she is yet to confirm her pregnancy I’m having to go for the quotation marks).
Tom Hardy Will Marry Me.
He will. He just doesn’t know it yet.
How amazing was he on CBeebies Storytime on New Years Eve? (Get it on iPlayer if you did the unthinkable and actually went out on NYE) I didn’t really take in what he was reading, it could’ve been the dictionary for all I know. I would happily invite him into my bed and allow him to read me War and Peace, once he’d finished the longest book ever written we could then…….actually I’ll leave that there shall I?
That’s it Tom love, off it comes.
Taylor Swift Becomes a Nun
I’ve told you before to expect the unexpected and if we learnt anything from 2016, then often fact is stranger than fiction. Taylor hasn’t had the best luck with the menfolk has she? Although as I always like to think good comes from bad, it’s not done her career any damage has it. Hundreds of millions of dollars later and she’s one of the biggest solo female artists in the world. Harry Styles, John Mayer, Taylor Lautner, Jake Gyllenhaal (the list is endless) should probably receive a cut from song royalties in all fairness.
Perhaps Swifty might tire of her periods lasting longer than her relationships and take a vow of celibacy in 2017.
Mariah Carey Might Sing Live
Wasn’t it bad? Her performance on New Years Eve in New York? Oh I cringed, my toes curled so hard I could no longer feel them. I swear the blood had actually stopped circulating at one point. Bless our Maz, she wanted a holiday too don’t you know (and the huge fee that came with that ‘performance’). Maybe this year she’ll decide to ditch the pre-recorded backing tracks and maybe even the nude bejewelled body suits.
David Cameron Goes On Strictly
Remember him? Once the most powerful man in politics, he’s now regarded as one of the UK’s worst ever Prime Ministers, quite a feat I have to say considering he finished ahead of Tony B-liar. We’ve not really heard much of DC since he passed the baton to Teresa May and I can’t help but think he always quite liked his time in the spotlight, even if it was for all the wrong reasons (he’d happily forget Pig Gate of course). Also, let’s take a second to remember another former politician; Ed Balls, no one could’ve predicted his success on Strictly Come Dancing, he was fab (in his own Ballsy way). I imagine Dave could be quite light on his feet given half the chance, although I don’t want to see him in sequins. It’s a definite no from me.
I don’t think you’ll get a 10 my love.
Nicole Scherzinger Will Become Ugly.
How is it possible for a human being to be so perfect? I would ask myself at 8pm every Saturday and Sunday through Autumn 2016 whilst shoving pizza into my gluttonous gob. The woman can sing pitch perfect, she can dance, her body is to die for, her hair luxurious (thanks must go to her Herbal Essences usage) and her face as beautiful as a winter sunrise. The woman is perfection personified. AND she’s nice with it too, it’s not even like I can call her a bitch because she’s warm, funny and intelligent. Fuck sake. So maybe, this year will be the year her halo becomes slightly tarnished. Maybe she’ll develop some sort of acne like I’ve been sporting recently (I can’t actually open my mouth properly today because a spot on my lip hurts so much) or become an absolute arsehole and everyone will hate her. I hope not though because she’s one of the few celebrities I actually do like.
Lizzie Cundy Won’t Actually Turn Up To The Opening Of An Envelope.
You’re scratching your head aren’t you? Who the F is she you’re likely thinking. Well, dear readers, allow me to educate you. Ms Cundy is a former WAG to a footballer, who I’m reliably informed was never really that good. Since she split up from her shit footballing ex she’s carved a career for herself as, well if I’m honest I don’t really know what she does, but she collects column inches like I collect broken Vape’s. She’s always in the Mail Online, always telling some sob story to a weekly magazine and ALWAYS, ALWAYS, ALWAYS turns up to the opening of a shop/bar/public toilet/crisp packet. Perhaps 2017 will be the year she fades into obscurity and no longer graces the What Were You Thinking fashion pages when she turns up to aforementioned events wearing something that resembles used and discarded dental floss.
The UK Will Actually Have A Summer