The time has come round once again for me to take part in a blogging tag. I’ll always get involved in these things for a couple of reasons.
1 – I’m nosey to a fault. This lends itself very well to my curious nature.
2 – If I’m suffering from writers block (this happens on the regular) then it gives me a purpose to write.
This tag in question is for the blogger to list 10 things about themselves, I guess it’s like a little get to know the blogger type thing.
Now, this posed a problem you see, as I’ve done similar before. When I was 29 (all those years ago), I wrote a blog post entitled 29 Things About Me. Thus, there’s quite a lot of (mundane) facts about me out there already.
Now, I could wax lyrical about the time I had sex at a wedding. But I can’t remember a lot about that. Or I could tell you about the time I did the deed in a graveyard, but remembering that story makes me cringe a bit so I’d rather not if it’s all the same to you.
I could regale you with the time I filmed TOWIE in Marbella, only to end up on the cutting room floor ONCE AGAIN (none taken) and what was 5 hours of filming ended up with just my massive conk making the cut; provided you paused at the relevant moment and already had prior knowledge of my nose being on TV.
Perhaps you’d like to know about the time I s….actually, maybe not. I probably should leave that one for the book I’ve been threatening to write or possibly that piece of information should never be made public. EVER.
Instead of telling you about my third nipple or that I’m as close to my star sign (Taurean) as you can possibly imagine, I’m going to let you explore something else instead. I’m going to write down the 10 things that play on my mind the most. These will be my innermost, deepest, darkest thoughts.
This will go one of two ways, you’ll either think I’m a fucking weirdo or you might find yourself relating to me. Who knows. Hopefully it won’t be too morose and have you reaching for the wine or worse.
10.Will I ever achieve my dreams?
I make no secret of the fact I want to be a writer. It’s my passion. I’d love to be paid to write, if someone offered me the chance to have my own column in a magazine or newspaper I’d bite their hand off without second thought.
I worry that it will never happen. That I’ve missed the boat, that I’m too old, that I’m not good enough and this is something I think of A LOT.
9.Am I going to be late?
I hate being late. It makes me anxious and although it doesn’t happen often, I always feel like I’m affected by time constraints & literally plan everything I need to do down to the minute. In saying all of that I’m the least organised person you’ll ever meet. Weird, that.
8.Am I a good Mum is a question I will ask myself hourly
Find me a Mum who doesn’t have this thought on a daily basis and I’ll be impressed. I’m not a natural Mum. I can’t cook, crafts aren’t my thing and sometimes I just can’t be arsed to read the same book for the 3rd time in a row but Christ alive, I hope if my son is ever asked whether he had a great Mum his answer is a resounding yes.
7.I second guess everything
This drives my other half insane. But I can’t help it. I’ll try and guess what he’s thinking. In fact I’ll try and guess what everyone is thinking. I’ll be trying to guess what you’re thinking whilst you’re reading this now. You’re thinking this is shit right?
6.I’m petrified of losing someone close to me
Isn’t this everyone’s fear? I’ve experienced the death of grandparents, friends, pets and it’s hard. It’s so tough. Seeing others go through grief, knowing you’ll never see that person again, that life as you knew it is over and it’s fucking tough. I’m a strong person but I do worry how I’d cope if someone I hold dear, rely upon and love with every fibre of my being would no longer be here.
5.I catastrophise everything
Wes is late from work. He’s been in an accident.
I’ve not heard from so and so today. I’ve fucked them off.
I forgot to send that e-mail by a certain time. I’ll get the sack.
This thought process has been the case for YEARS. I’m much better at handling that element of my anxiety disorder now but fucking hell it don’t half get on my (lack of) tits sometimes. I can be a right Doomsayer on occasion.
4.My body/weight/image is something I think about more often than I’d like to
I never used to care. From the age of 21 – 24 it wasn’t something that bothered me. Then I lost over 5 stone in the space of 18 months and being honest, I was obsessed. Then I got pregnant and watching myself gain weight was difficult. I lost all my pregnancy weight and ended up being lighter than I was when I got pregnant and now I’m the heaviest I’ve been since pregnant and before that, since 2011 and I’m not happy. My clothes are tight, I feel uncomfortable and annoyingly I’m constantly comparing myself to celebrities on Instagram/in magazines/on TV and I hate that. I’m in a place where my weight is on my mind too much but I can’t be arsed to do something about it and that annoys me more than anything.
3.I spend too much time remembering the past
When it comes to dates of past events I am the Queen of remembering EVERYTHING. My friends will text me asking me when such and such happened, the date we took our GCSE’s (May 2002), what was the date I pretended to be a journalist in a bar to get free drinks (July 21st 2012) you name it, I’ll remember it.
I’m basically like Timehop. I don’t even need that app because I can tell you that 4 years ago today I was on my way back from Amsterdam, 7 years ago today I was planning my leaving do for a job I resigned from without having another to go to, 9 years ago I was planning how to leave my then boyfriend without him noticing and 14 years ago I was cleaning toilets in Reflections hair salon.
2.My most frequent thought is ‘do I have another baby’?
A year ago I was resolute in my decision that I didn’t want to add to my family. One was enough and that was it.
I’m in a totally different mindset now and a day will not go by where I don’t think about having another child.
For me, it’s a bigger decision to have a second child than it was to decide to have my first baby. I guess this is because I know just how life changing and how difficult being a parent is.
I’m only 30. I have time on my side. I just don’t want to get to 40 or older and regret not having had another baby. I’m aware I’m broody and that’s a feeling I’ve not experienced for a good 4 years. We’ll see what happens and in the meantime my twitching ovaries will have to just stop twitching.
1.My biggest fear is death
I’ve always been a worrier. Since I was a kid the most stupid things would play on my mind. Health anxiety was a huge part of my mental illness. I’d obsess over the symptoms of meningitis, I’d constantly touch my head convinced a small lump of skin was a brain tumour and I’d worry the revelation of a new bruise was leukaemia. I knew too much about illnesses for a child and for someone who didn’t experience the death of someone until I was 16, mortality was something that preyed on my mind too much.
Having Generalised Anxiety Disorder doesn’t help this thought process of course. I could be walking to work and a thought will pop into my head along the lines of “what if that car doesn’t realise it’s a red light and ploughs straight into me” but I have learnt to deal with these thoughts so they no longer cause me crippling anxiety.
Death is so final. I worry about the people I’d leave behind and how they’d cope (this is meant in the least arrogant way). I worry about how I’ll die. Dying alone doesn’t frighten me, it’s how I die and the ramifications it will have on others that does.
Well, I bet you’re feeling right fed up now aren’t you? I’ve put you in a real depressed mood. Soz about that., go and watch videos of dancing kittens or something perhaps.
Time for me to pass le baton to 2 of my favourites. They like a good swear word so therefore I like them.