Well, do I?
Nah, don’t worry, I’m not asking you. You don’t even know what I give a shit about firstly.
I’ll tell you what I don’t give a shit about though, Cheryl and Liam’s new baby’s name; Bear Payne.
Yes, to some it sounds like someone is in pain; “bare pain” to quote the cool kids. I’ve seen the same tweet declaring that at least 250 times. I may have slightly smiled the first time, but come the 19th time I was rolling my eyes. Hard.
Do you actually think Cheryl gives a flying fig what David from Norwich thinks? Of course she doesn’t so why don’t you just build a bridge and GET THE FUCK OVER IT. A baby has been born, that baby has a name, and you don’t like it but hey, guess what? They didn’t name their son to please you.
I feel better now. It felt good to get that little tirade off my wrinkly old chest.
Right, back to business. Back to the real reason I’ve put finger to keyboard today.
I’ve been doing some thinking over the last few days.
It’s been a strange old week, for numerous reasons. I got too drunk on Saturday night and that’s never good for my mental health. Another Sunday morning where I wake up full of regret, full of remorse and a handbag void of cash.
It’s something I’ve always done. I overthink the small, menial stuff and probably don’t give enough thought to the important, bigger things. It’s something I’m aware of and something I need to work on. Or should I say, something ELSE I need to work on. The list is as long as my arm at the moment. All talk and no action; that’s me!
Anyway, I was having a conversation with my other half at the weekend. We don’t often do deep and meaningfuls, we’re more likely to take the piss out of one another and then one of us will go too far (usually him) and we won’t talk to each other for a couple of hours.
As individuals, we are very different. We may have the same sense of humour, like a lot of the same music and both enjoy doing a lot of the same things (although he likes running marathons and I’d prefer to eat them- if they still existed) we are so dissimilar in other ways.
I will bear a grudge. He will not.
I get pissed off easily. He does not.
I will analyse people/behaviours. He prefers to analyse my spending habits.
You see where I’m going with this?
I was surprised by someone the other day. Moreover, someone’s behaviour. This person isn’t close to me, for various reasons I don’t have a huge amount of time for them. He on the other hand does.
Disappointment was something I was feeling. And I half expected Wes to feel the same. He didn’t. Instead he told me “what’s the point in feeling disappointed or pissed off about it, where will it get me?”
“Well, it shows you’re human for a start. It shows you have feelings, you care, you have your boundaries etc” I replied.
“But then I’d do my own head in and that won’t help me, will it?” he mused.
That pissed me off.
You see, the way I see it is this. If someone does something to let you down, they need to know their actions have consequences, because otherwise how will they learn? They’ll never understand the impact of their carelessness and you stand to be let down again and again.
But then I thought; actually, is he quite right with his outlook on things? What is the point in analysing someone and their behaviour? Where does it get you apart from feeling shitty?
Recently, I wrote about how these days I’m very cynical, especially when it comes to people. I’m hard faced and I know that’s a quality my family don’t appreciate. I’m guessing, because I’ve been let down by a lot of people over the last few years, it’s a defence mechanism. But you know where it’s left me? It’s left me on the periphery of bitterness. And I don’t want to be bitter.
I want to be aware and I want to be careful with my trust and who I give it to but I don’t want it to change the foundations of who I am. I don’t want to spend time allowing myself to think about the people who have let me down and it impact on my life going forward.
I guess it’s about balance. It’s about carefully managing my own expectations but not winding myself up when I feel let down. It’s not conducive to good mental health nor is it going to help my relationship.
When Wes and I discuss situations like this, it always ends up in a heated debate. I throw my toys out of the pram because he isn’t seeing things the way I do and again, it gets us nowhere. It’s almost a case of me feeling like I have to stand up for myself and for him and I don’t want to feel like that.
People let you down all the time. It’s human nature. Not one person is going to have the same values and sensitivities as you and that’s why I think it’s time that I build a bridge and get the fuck over it myself.