Do you ever feel like you want to step outside of your own head and just be? Just for a few peaceful minutes?
Because I know I do.
Sometimes my thoughts overwhelm me. I’ll find myself on a negative thought cycle and I physically want to shake my head as if that would expel the thoughts and give me some relief.
I can’t even pinpoint what these thoughts are. I just know that they’re negative and they make me feel shit. It’s called free floating anxiety. Ask me what I’m anxious about and I can’t give you an answer. I just know that I feel uncomfortable. Mentally. And emotionally.
I feel on edge. Unable to relax. Irritable. A small worry will become a huge worry. And then, before I know it, the worry has become worries and then they’ve multiplied.
It’s like a battle going on in my head. And it’s knackering. It could be things from my past, seemingly coming back to haunt me and playing out like a film in my brain. It could be my worry for the future. The unknown. It’s anything. And it can be everything.
I’m terrible for beating myself up about things. If I get something wrong I spend an inordinate amount of time chastising myself. Making a mistake leaves me feeling physically sick. But sometimes I’ll rush through something just to get it done. Knowing the chance of me doing it wrong is that much higher but my mind is racing so fast I can’t even slow down if I wanted to.
Doesn’t even make sense does it? But that’s the thing. Often my thoughts don’t make sense. They’re just there. Confusing me. Annoying me. Isolating me.
But one thing that doesn’t confuse me is how my thoughts make me feel.
And it’s shit.
When I’m on the negative thought train it’s a tough old journey. One minute I could feel fine, then BAM, in pops a negative thought and before you know it I’m bogged down. Unable to focus on anything but how shitty I feel.
“Thoughts aren’t facts” I’ll mentally recite to myself. But it doesn’t go in. It’s just words. Words that have no meaning. Words that have no effect.
Something else that does my head in is how easily I can talk myself out of something.
I’ll have an idea. Something that I want to do. But before I can even think about getting started on whatever it is I’ve already made 17 excuses why I shouldn’t do it. The most popular excuse being I couldn’t do whatever it is. I don’t have the capability. This endless cycle of beration and self-loathing is so commonplace at the moment. And the self-confidence. Oh the self – confidence, it’s pretty much non-existent. How can anyone have confidence in me when I have so little myself?
So yeah, stepping outside of my own head for a little while sounds like an absolute dream. Because sometimes the thoughts are like nightmares.