Is it 2019 yet? Because I am so over 2018 it’s ridiculous.
Don’t get me wrong, nothing terrible has happened. But it’s been a constant slew of illness. We’ve had the flu. We’ve had Scarlett Fever. We’ve had colds. We’ve had coughs. We’ve had stomach infections. And four of those five are just me on my own.
It may only be mid-March. We may not even be a third of the way through. But I am done with 2018. Romeo Dunn.
At the end of January I wrote a post entitled Small Changes. Here I wrote about my challenge for 2018. Because I am all about the challenges. Just as long as they’re not too strenuous. Don’t ask me to run a marathon or anything because hell will freeze over and I’ll sprout a cock before that happens.
However, little challenges designed to change the way I think or break bad habits I’ve picked up over the last 32 years I can manage. Just.
Regular Our Rach readers (all 3 of you) will remember a challenge I undertook last March called Dechox. I, a self-confessed chocoholic, abstained from the stuff for 31 days. 31 long, painful, arduous days. It remains one of my proudest achievements to date.
I liked how I felt after. I liked the sense of pride I felt. To you that feat may be ridiculously small. However, to me it felt the opposite.
Thus, inspired by my Dechox last year, I decided that 2018 would be the year I undertook small monthly challenges. Abstention challenges just like the Dechox.
January was alcohol. I did not touch a drop of booze for 31 days. Piece of hydrated piss. Barely even thought of the stuff. Until February 3rd rolled round, I was at a work event, for a short while there was booze and I got shitfaced.
February was blue milk. Not actual blue milk. But milk that comes with a blue lid; full fat milk to normal people.
Full fat milk is one of my many, many, MANY vices. It enhances any cereal. Don’t believe me? Then just try it for yourself. Have yourself a bowl of Cornflakes with ice cold (HAS to be ice cold mind) full fat milk. And let me know how you get on. Send me a video if you like. I’m easy.
Anyway, for reasons outlined above I was nervous. Mainly because I love cereal. Cereal is a staple part of my diet. I even lost a shit load of weight on the cereal diet about 7 years ago. Of course, full fat milk didn’t accompany said cereal back then. But cereal has always been a huge part of my life. You should see the state of our cereal cupboard, it stresses He Indoors out beyond belief.
I needn’t have been nervous though. Because it went like a dream. Blue top was replaced with green top (semi-skimmed) and I barely gave full fat a second thought. I don’t know if it’s because I’m so in the zone with this Challenge Rach thing or just because semi skimmed milk is fine and there really isn’t anything to miss but February’s challenge was a breeze.
I do, however, have a slight confession to make.
Part way through the month I realised that the lady who makes my tea in the shop I procure my breakfast from when working in the office has been using full-fat milk.
It’s not her fault. She doesn’t know me so it’s not like it’s sabotage. And after a quick scout about, it transpired they only use full fat milk so really I’m left with no choice. It’s only a dribble and I’ve proven to myself that I can go without full fat milk and that’s the goal here isn’t it?
March’s challenge comes in the form of biscuits. Another one of my many downfalls.
You see, the problem with me is I can’t just have one. Or two. Or five. It has to be seven. Or ten.
I’ve only been round my Mum’s for five minutes and already my massive conk is in her cupboard and my thieving little hands are all over her biscuit barrel.
“How many have you had?” she scolds as I shove my 13th biscuit into my gluttonous gob.
“Only 3” I lie.
She knows though. She ain’t daft.
The first weekend in March brought snow. Tons of the stuff. It also brought tea. Mugs and mugs of tea. I drank enough tea that weekend to keep me hydrated for at least a month. Coupled with the cold weather I hate to think how many times I urinated that weekend.
With tea comes biscuits. So that, as you can imagine, was hard. There are always lovely biscuits in my Mum’s cupboards. And that’s where I spent the majority of that snowy weekend. If there’s a new brand of biscuit that has just been released, you can bet your house on the fact it’ll be in my Mum’s top cupboard by the end of the week. And in my gob the day after that.
The second weekend in March brought one of the worst illnesses I have ever had. More on that another time. Thus, the thought of biscuits, in fact the thought of any food or indeed drink, just evoked extreme nausea.
I’m yet to decide on my April challenge. I’m open(ish) to suggestions. Because I’ve basically had no life since Christmas, each challenge thus far has been pretty easy. Once April rolls round life starts to get busier. I start to adopt something that almost resembles a social life and that makes me feel a little nervous.
I’m also fully aware I’m going to need to up the stakes at some point.
I know that there will be a month in 2018 where I need to give up cheese.
And I’m going to have to stop typing at this point because my palms have started to sweat.