One of these days, I’m not sure when and I’m not sure what it’ll be, I will do a review of a product that doesn’t involve fake tan. Promise.
Open to suggestions, in fact??!!!
I got very, VERY excited on the weekend. More excited than usual. And I am a very excitable person.
I was having a little browse around Outfit, I’d gone there with the very specific intent of finding a dress I’d seen in the Warehouse concession of House of Fraser the day before.
Here is said dress. Nice innit?
Sadly (not for my credit card balance), I couldn’t find said dress in Outfit, however, I happened upon something else instead. Something that appeared, on first impressions, to be the answer to my tanning prayers.
To say I’m fake tan obsessed would be a large scale understatement. I am militant with my fake tan routine. It is unmovable. I make no apologies for this. Yes, it is arduous at times. Yes, I have ruined carpets, bedding, clothes and walls with my obsession. But that, my friends, is a small price to pay to look
orange healthy 5 days out of 7.
The part I hate the most about my fake tanning routine isn’t the application. It’s not even the upkeep. It’s the removal. Which usually falls on a Wednesday. A Wednesday afternoon to be precise.
I’ll bath on Monday evening. Then again on Tuesday evening. This allows the fake tan to get ready for the removal process. And then on Wednesday it’s time to get my scrub on.
Some scrubbing days are easier than others. I find if I’ve used the below a couple of days previous, then the tan will come off easier.
But then there are some days where I am burning an extreme amount of calories simply because I am scrubbing so hard to remove the, quite frankly, disgusting looking patchy tan that has practically permeated into every pore and crevice on my legs. It’s the legs and feet that are always the hardest areas to remove tan from. Never the arms. Never the back. Why is this?
So, as you can imagine, to find a product that promises to “gently and effectively remove self tan, without the need for abrasive scrubbing”. Well, I could practically here my skin take a deep sigh of relief. I’ve even got scars on my legs from where I’ve scrubbed that hard back in the day. Terrible, ain’t it, really?
The price of £10 is one I’d happily pay over and over again if I get the desired result of patch free, scar free, blood free skin.
Only, I didn’t.
Fast forward a few days and we’re on Wednesday. Fake tan removal day. Now, believe it or not, I’d actually forgotten I had this bottle of fake tan remover collecting dust in my bath box (it’s a thing alright, something I got for Christmas and I fucking love it). When my eyes averted east and caught sight of the “wonder” product, a little tingle went down my back. Usually that tingle would be felt when the exfoliating brush was moving up and down my spine. But on this day it was a tingle of EXCITEMENT. Excitement for what was to come.
The directions clearly stated that I am to:
Apply liberally onto dry skin (avoiding eyes and mouth) – luckily those are the only 2 places I don’t actually fake tan. Yes I know what you’re thinking, and yes I tan even there.
Leave on your skin for at least 5 minutes while the SELF TAN REMOVER works its magic.
Magic. See that word there? Magic.
EXCEPT PEOPLE. MAGIC DOESN’T FUCKING EXIST DOES IT? I should’ve known. I should’ve bloody known.
I went liberal. Oh you better believe I went liberal. I went £5 liberal. It stank. Imagine rubbing hair dye into your arse cheeks. That’s what it smelt like. Hair dye. On your arse cheeks.
It’s white in colour and not the nicest consistency, but it soon seeps in and the colour disappears and you’re left smelly and sticky. A bit like when you fake tan, to be honest with you.
I waited 5 minutes. Heck, I waited 10. What’s 10 minutes when I’m going to save nearly an hour in hardcore scrubbing.
Then came the moment of truth. And believe you me, that truth hurt.
I slipped into the bath (literally, I’m such a fucking klutz) and led there wondering when I:
Using a wet cloth gently wipe and rinse your tan away in a warm shower. For dry skin or stubborn areas use a small amount of ST.MORIZ SKIN PRIMER and Exfoliating mitt if required.
Once your skin is clean and exfoliated you are ready to reapply your fresh new tan.
Wipe? Gently wipe? WIPE MY ARSE.
Please. If you think for a SECOND I was able to gently wipe that fake tan away then you are the same people who think there’s a pot of gold at the end of a rainbow. There was no successful wiping. Heck, there was barely any successful scrubbing.
Useless. Save your money. Spend it on a decent body scrub and exfoliating brush and just keep on scrubbing and moaning like I’m going to. I was sold a false promise. And I won’t forget it in a hurry. I’ve still got the patchy feet to remind me.